i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
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