Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize
