I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
so much tequila, so little girl.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
