Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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