You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Randomize
