Moan for me like Helen Keller
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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