My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Randomize
