put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
