The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
Randomize
