Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
I wish they made helmets for livers.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell