i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
The best revenge is premature balding
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
19 Of The Creepiest (Most Inexplicable) Things People Experienced
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.