i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
