I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
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