To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
It's shark week go big or go home
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
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