I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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