I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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