oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
