It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
