We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Randomize
