If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
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