who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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