I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
