Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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