that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
the day after is always just damage control
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
