while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
God, you're like boner-b-gone
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Randomize
