I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Randomize
