So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
