im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
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