OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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