I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Randomize
