Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
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