i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
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