she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
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