Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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