There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Randomize
