im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
