U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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