Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Randomize
