hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
