now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
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