don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Randomize
