one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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