I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
he wants to bone in the snuggie
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
Randomize
