Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Randomize
