Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Randomize
