the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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