i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
