By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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