Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
tonight lets celebrate not being married
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
