I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
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