how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
