if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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