nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
Just passed a sign for an "adult food and fuel superstore". Wtf does that even mean?
im not sure but a few things come to mind which just makes me giggle
Guys should not giggle. Ever.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
