I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
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