I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
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