he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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