I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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