if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
