there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
